It’s Getting Personal.

I know I know I know. I slacked. Not like a little bit, but truly a horrendous amount. I haven’t written anything since 2011. Well you know what? It’s because a dog ate my computer. A tornado blew my passwords away. A monkey told me blogging was evil. I got busy with City Year. I was too tired to write. I didn’t have anything good to write about. I was without motivation. I….those are all terrible and tired excuses.

Truth is, I just didn’t think it was that important anymore to write. I had a muse, if you will, that inspired some amazing thoughts in my head…once that muse as gone…well I associated my writing, my blog, with that muse and it brought on painful memories.

Sidenote: You’ll notice that this is probably one of the rare times that I am talking about myself in my blog. I’ve tried all this time to not get personal, to leave ME out of my blog, but I think you’ll see a little of that changing.

Back to business, SO what have I been doing for almost two years?

I was in City Year. The best decision of my life. I met incredible people, I worked in a diverse environment, I was surrounded by positivity, compassion, tolerance, and IDEAS. I thought I was going to move to San Antonio, work in an at-risk school with underprivileged kids and change their lives. I was wrong. They changed mine.

Whilst pulling twelve hour days, often 8 days a week, I was planning for my wedding. Yes, I got married. How time flies and things happen. I moved from sunny, beautiful, perfect, bustling Houston to Kansas City, MO. Was it worth it? Hell yes. Do I hate the winters? Boy, do I ever.

My wonderful husband and I were having a very candid conversation last night, and he asked me why I looked so unhappy. I commented that since moving, I hadn’t really found something I could put all my energy and stress into. I have began crafting, and below is the result of one of my recent endeavors.

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This is a thrift store table that I refinished and painted.

Anyways, he questioned me on why I didn’t write anymore, and I just gave him excuses…but the truth is…writing has always been my release. The only way I know how to get emotions out of my body and soul, is to write them down, put them somewhere, and let go of whatever it is I am feeling.

Et voila! Je suis ici!

I am going to challenge myself to really commit back to one of my true loves this year! Wish me luck, and I hope you’ll support me on this journey.

Until next time, you stay classy San Diego.

Such A Small Word, Yet Such Big Questions.

Looking through my poetry journal today, I came across a piece of paper neatly folded in half. My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to investigate the contents of this mysterious folded piece of paper. Inside, I found one of my usual ramblings dated back to October 8, 2008. It addresses the timeless, ageless topic of love.

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Is it possible for someone to just love one person for their entire lives? Is it possible to be content waking up to the same person every single day? Is it possible to find the same excitement 50 years later? Human nature is such to experience as many things as possible. Our nature is to try and derive maximum pleasure from a variety of sources. Whether it be from books, movies, music, money, etc. How is it possible then, that some people can find everything in one single person? Especially when there are billions of people on this Earth. Does that not mean there are many people suited for us given the right opportunity? Each one better suited for us than the one before?

What is love exactly? Why does it alter people completely? How does it make people, who live off carnal pleasure, succumb to the banality of everyday life with one single person? I always puzzle over what love is exactly. That is the problem I think. Love isn’t one single anything. Then I have to ask again, what is it then? When someone says ” I love him”, I ask “What do you love?” I get answers like, his smile, his eyes, his kind heart, the way he treats me, etc. I think to myself that it sounds legitimate enough, but what if he had an ugly smile, glasses, and was often impulsive and stern…would she still love him?? I think what people forget is that love is not about finding the perfect person, it is about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

What a noble thought. I wonder if anyone really truly falls in Love now and days. Lust and infatuation I see everyday, but love, I’m more skeptical of. If people really loved each other, the divorce rate would not be 50% and the rate of adultery would not be as high as well. I think people like the concept of love. I think they like it more than the actual feeling of love. Love is not fun and it is not easy. It is painful and trying. Like Pat Benatar said “Love is a battlefield.” One must have endless patience and the capacity to endure anything; more than you thought your body could handle.

Love is having a flaming passion and an undying and everlasting hunger for the one you love. Love is facing death with a smile to save your beloved. Love is giving up your entire world to see a glimmer of a smile on the face of the one you love. Love is the choice you make to stand by someone’s side when all reason is screaming at you to walk away.

Love is passion; it is the blending of two people into one. Love, was, is, and always will be God’s greatest gift and most painful curse. Love is the ability to abandon all reason and walk into the unknown perfectly content and with no fear. Love is the opportunity to stop merely living, and to finally, truly, be alive. Love is the flame in a candle, the soul in one’s body, the very essence of our existence.

That is love.